From: Boston News
The best way to nip conflict in the bud is to be proactive. The more you can learn about yourself first, how you respond to tension and conflict, the better off you are.
Next is to learn about how others handle conflict.
If you are the leader, their way of handling conflict trumps yours. This is a vital point. You may want to sit and discuss everything in detail while your colleague may be more comfortable with taking a time out to recalibrate.
When you are mediating conflict, you have to go to the least-contentious common denominator. Quiet or cautious wins over loud and demanding.
If you take each person’s patterns into account and help create a “psychologically safe” setting everyone wins. This is not so easy. It is not psychobabble. It is what all relationship systems require and most do not acquire. It is what we all yearn for.
Safety is the underbelly of all relationships. When safe we flourish, when scared or discounted we constrict.
The key is to make sure you are not setting up an environment where people throw emotional darts at each other. Even if you have a strong need to know the underlying reasons, if you are the type (like me) who wants to always dig deep down, it is best for you to be the strong leader and let the discussion rest if that is what is requested.
A five-point roadmap
Here are the five points on a roadmap to move away from frustration, disappointment and ill will:
1. Stop
Put your hand up, palm out, just like a traffic cop does, and simply say the word “Stop.” This is called a pattern interrupt, and forces all of us to let the fight or flight pasts of the brain settle down.
Then ask the person/s who are in the conflict to take time to breathe, get a glass of water, or take a short walk. This does not have to be more than at best, 10 minutes.
2. Talk
Your task is first to talk with each individual separately for five minutes. If you are the one in the conflict find a trusted advisor and talk with them for five minutes, no longer. When each individual is finished, all you say is “thank you.” No problem-solving at this time, just getting out all the concerns possible.
Make sure you check the clock. Some folks like to go on and on. This is called flooding. Others like to say very little, this is called avoiding.
3. Fix
Now it’s time to get everyone together. Start by asking each participant for their best quick solution. The key word here is quick. Often the answers lie in our intuition. We go to logic too fast and it causes “analysis paralysis.”
Write down all the answers and send them to the participants. The answers should be, at most, four sentences.
4. Redo
Next day, come together and say how each is feeling at that very moment. It is called “getting current.” That means a short commentary (less than three minutes) about how the situation is seen as different (or not) from the prior day. Then ask each to name the primary pattern they think was part of the prior conflict process.
5. High five
If the tension is reduced or disappears, it’s time to celebrate. Have a short discussion on what was learned and how to be accountable for how each responds when stress is high. Ask for a verbal commitment to “keep going and keep growing.” Set a time to check in again on a general basis within next two weeks.
The celebration can be simply stating that a road block was removed. It could also be sharing some food and beverages together. This ancient way of bonding is in our DNA and always helps to ease tension.
Learning the OUT Technique to observe, understand and transform outdated, ingrained behavior patterns that began in childhood and that we all, yes, all, bring to work with us, leads to better health and higher productivity.
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